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baby, this is what you came for

These baked goods are my staples. Do I need to thank someone but don't wanna buy a gift? Apologize, but don't wanna buy a gift? Give a gift, but don't wanna buy a gift? These do the trick every time (and they're easy!). They're all very lightly adapted from existing recipes, which I will link, but I've rewritten them here to include notes I find relevant as a small-kitchen renter who doesn't own much of anything.

Mini Chocolate Chip Scones

mini chocolate chip scones 

The Deal:

TA middle school friend introduced me to this recipe. She and I don't talk very much anymore (nothing happened, just grew apart, it's okay), but she is in my life forever in the form of these scones. When I became an RA for middle schoolers, I used my one day off in a three-week period to go home, make these, and bring them back to the dorm. Ask my coworkers; scones won't get you better pay or working conditions, but they can soften the blow for a moment.

Dough Tastiness Report:

Okay but not great, pretty dry. No need to set any aside for snackin' specifically.

Original Recipe

Lazy Bitch Perks

  • No hand or stand mixer needed

  • Can be a breakfast or a snack

  • You don't have to soften butter

Lazy Bitch Drawbacks

  • Your hands get very messy

  • Might be hard to find enough counter space in a tiny apartment

Image from iOS (2).jpg
Image from iOS (1).jpg

SHOW ME WHAT A COARSE MEAL LOOKS LIKE! THIS IS WHAT A COARSE MEAL LOOKS LIKE!

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups all-purpose flour

  • 1/3 cup sugar (+optional tablespoon or two for sprinklin')

  • 1 tsp baking powder

  • 1/4 tsp baking soda

  • 3/4 tsp salt

  • 1 stick of FROZEN butter

  • 1 egg

  • 1/2 cup sour cream

  • 1/2 cup chocolate chips (more or less as you see fit. Know yourself.)

You'll Need:

  • Enough clear counter or table space to roll/pat out a regulation pizza

  • 2 bowls: one medium mixing size, one roughly soup-sized

  • An oven with at least somewhat reliable temperature settings

  • A fork

  • A knife

  • A box grater (I use a peeler, but it's harder. Knife is even worse but works in a pinch)

Instructions:

  1. Mix flour, 1/3 cup of sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in the bowl.

  2. Grate the frozen butter into the bowl. I'd say cut it in half and do the first half while the second is in the freezer, otherwise it gets v melty in your hand.

  3. Squish the butter and dry ingredients together with your hands until it resembles a "course meal," (see photo) then add chocolate chips.

  4. Preheat the oven to 400F, put the rack to lower-middle.

  5. In a smaller bowl, mix the egg and sour cream together until smooth and, frankly, gross.

  6. Pour this nasty egg and sour cream mixture into the dough, start to work it together with a fork, and eventually give up and use your hands. You want to work them together enough that you can form a big ball in the bottom of the bowl and there are no loose dry bits. Parts will be sticky. You may be hesitant to believe it will work. Soldier on. You will get that dough ball!

  7. Flour a surface and put the dough on it. Pat it out to about one inch thickness, and slice into strips. I always ball the extra back up and make more strips, but you can also just eat or toss it. Sprinkle sugar on top of the cut strips.

  8. Place the strips on a baking sheet (give 'em like an half an inch to an inch of breathing room), stick some extra chocolate chips into the top of each one for style, and put in the oven for 15-17 mins. They'll be golden, and theoretically will last like a week or something but I've never made it that long without eating them all.

Aunt May's Brownies

aunt may's brownies

The Deal:

This recipe is gift to us all from Aunt May, the baddest bitch I've ever known and the all-powerful matriarch of the Jewish side of my family. In fulfilling this role, Aunt May had not only this bangin' recipe, but also a tendency to brilliantly roast her children if you asked the right questions. You'll never make these as well as her, but they'll slap nonetheless. May her memory be a blessing.

Batter Tastiness Report:

Godlike. But a lot will be stuck to the bowl and spatula, so you dont need to set anything aside.

Original Recipe

Lazy Bitch Perks​

  • No baking soda or baking powder

  • Only one bowl needed

  • Hard to mess up

Lazy Bitch Drawbacks

  • The fancy cocoa is both expensive and non-negotiable

  • The batter is THICK thick, so expect a workout if you don't have a stand mixer

IMG_8494_edited.jpg
IMG_0395.HEIC

This is what it looks like just after you've added the cocoa. This shit tastes so good you WILL be tempted to just stop making these and eat it all right there. Be ready for this, and be strong.

Ingredients:

  • 2 sticks butter (softened)

  • 2 cups sugar

  • 3/4 cups Droste Dutch-processed cocoa powder. Other Dutch-processed *might* work too, but I wouldn't personally bother to make sans Droste

  • 4 eggs

  • 1 cup flour

  • 1/2 tsp salt (type doesnt matter but I like Kosher)

  • 1 1/2 tsp vanilla

You'll Need:

  • Mixing bowl

  • Stand or hand mixer (unless you're big and strong and can cream butter and sugar with? A hammer?)

  • Decently working oven

  • 8"x11" baking pan. Size is a bit flexible, but not very

  • Spatula or spoon or just something to scrape the bowl with

Instructions:

  1. Prep your pan (I butter and flour, but just a spray or something is fine, too).

  2. Cream butter and sugar well.

  3. Add cocoa and mix in.

  4. Preheat oven to 350F and put the rack on the top third of the oven.

  5. Add eggs, one at a time, and beat well between. The batter should be noticably lighter in color by the end of this road. 

  6. Mix in flour, salt, and vanilla.

  7. Pour batter into pan, smooth out as much as you can. Note: this batter is thicccccccc. Like thiccer than any other brownie batter I've made. Don't be put off by the fact that you might have to scoop the batter more than pour it.

  8. Put the pan on the rack in the top third of the oven, bake for 20 mins.

  9. Rotate the pan 180 degrees and move to a rack on the bottom third of the oven, bake for 20 more mins (sometimes more like 15, depending on... something. Idk. Just check around 15).

  10. Take out of the oven. Top should be cracked, and a toothpick should come out generally clean, but probably not like, dry. Moist, perhaps. Brownish.

  11. Once cooled (or almost completely cooled), slice into squares.

Lava Cookies

The Deal:

I don't know how I found these cookies, but I'm so glad I did. Just one of those chance internet encounters, I guess. Maybe a link in a BuzzFeed list? Nevertheless, I'm grateful. As soon as I met them, I knew these cookies and I were destined to love each other forever. 

Dough Tastiness Report:

OHMYGOD. Yeah, you're gonna wanna eat so much of this that you're too sick for the cookies, maybe that's okay.

Original Recipe

Lazy Bitch Perks​

  • One bowl!

  • V short baking time

  • Only baking soda, no powder

Lazy Bitch Drawbacks

  • Messy assembly process that requires a fair bit of space

Ingredients:

  • 12 tbsps (1 1/2 sticks) softened butter

  • 1 cup sugar, + extra for rolling

  • 1/2 cup packed brown sugar

  • 2 eggs

  • 1 tsp vanilla

  • 1 1/2 tsp salt

  • 1 tsp baking soda

  • 2/3 cup cocoa powder (I prefer Droste always, but you can use whatever)

  • 2 cups flour

  • Jarred, refrigerated hot fudge sauce (store-bought only)

You'll Need:

  • Mixing bowl

  • Stand or hand mixer (unless you're big and strong and can cream butter and sugar with? A spatula?)

  • Decently working oven

  • One big cookie sheet or two little ones

  • A little bowl for sugar rolling (optional)

Image from iOS.jpg
Image from iOS.jpg

chocolate lava cookies

Image from iOS.jpg
Image from iOS.jpg
Image from iOS.jpg
Image from iOS.jpg

Instructions:

  1. Preheat oven to 350F.

  2. Cream butter, sugar, and brown sugar.

  3. Add eggs and vanilla, beat until smooth.

  4. Add salt, baking soda, and cocoa powder, beat well.

  5. Add flour and mix at medium low until just combined. Look, the dough is done!

  6. Pop the dough in the freezer for 20-ish mins, just so it's a little firmer for assembly.

  7. (optional) put some sugar in a lil' bowl for rolling.

  8. Flatten a dough ball in your hand that's like 1 1/2-2 inches in diameter. Put a little bit of the fudge sauce in the middle, and fold the disc over it/roll in your hands until you have a ball with the fudge inside. This is serious, the fudge in there is your nudes: NO LEAKS (it will make a mess)! Then roll the ball in the sugar if you're doing that, and put it on the baking sheet with a good amount of breathing room (an inch minimum, ideally more). Your warm hands will get messy as hell, which will make it more difficult. I usually put the fudge and dough back in the fridge for like 5 mins halfway through (or between batches if I do multiple).

  9. Once your baking sheet is filled up, pop it in the oven for 6-8 mins (sometimes it's more), remove when cookies are set and the top is cracking a little. You can't toothpick test these, and if you poke them they will seem undercooked. In the 2 minutes out of the oven they deflate into normal-looking cookies, but if you take them out too much before they're done, they end up kinda weird and pancake-y (but still delicious).

  10. Let sit on the baking sheet for 2 mins before removing to serve or store.

This photo is unrealistic because my hands are clean. The internet is a performance.

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